Train of thought.

I followed that train of thought and stopped along side of it at every station.
I was swayed and rattled along, but I held on for what I knew was going to be a bumpy ride.
I kept looking over my shoulder to check the signs to see if I could tell where i was, but this ride was to a place I had not been before.
While I was there, I was overwhelmed by the distance. I was astounded by the space that separated us and the number of people that were able to come between us.

While their words sounded over my thoughts, they did not reach to where I stood.
Nothing could reach me in that seclusion created, that expansive distance.
Remarkably, there was a coolness to the gaze in your eyes.
I could not tell if you looked at me, through me, or beyond me, but I hoped that is where your thoughts had lain, on me.

I know the color of your eyes, but I stared at them so long that I no longer saw it. I thought of all the things that our eyes had seen together and I wondered if you had seen them the same as I. The doors opened and there was a rapid exchange, those coming and those going... And while the world was in motion, my world stood still as my eyes were fixed on you.

Your silence now was all I could hear, the tracks, whistles, conversations all faded from a roar to a dull hum and then to nothing. They knew my ears wanted nothing from them so they went on their way elsewhere. They all found rest in others ears while I waited and listened hoping that between your breaths would be words's utterance.

I blinked, and it felt like an eternity. And for that reason I seldom blinked. Some call what I feel love, but it is so much more than that. In that moment where my eyes were closed, I feared that I would never see you again. I felt that that one person, who is the purpose for my existence, ceased to exist, and for that moment, I ceased to exist too...

I took comfort in hearing your breath though. The train stopped again and with it I leaned forward, not by my choice, but by its force. It tried to shake me free of you as to awaken me from this trance as many others have before. Not man or machine could do this. I knew that only God could if he would reach His hand to jar me. The doors closed and came together again and a news paper page that had taken flight in the shuffle now landed in a place where it seemed to feel it belonged.

It too neared you but stopped at a place where the eyes on its face of the page we're directed at you. I laughed in my head because for a moment I felt jealous. I did not want to share you with anyone's eyes, animate or not. I then laughed again at the mildly insane thought that I just had. I would never have questioned my sanity before, but I was not sure what I was capable of doing feeling the way I felt.

I reached my foot out and stomped on the news paper so that the face could no longer stare at you. I then wondered if I would be so compelled as to do this to other faces, but not those printed. It scared me; this dark thought of mine. The train then went dark and I heard your breaths deepen. I stopped breathing half to allow for it, and half to give myself a moment to figure it out.

The light came back and I breathed again cause I saw you were still there. It went again, this time it was expected and welcomed. We were going through a sequence of tunnels. Every time the lights went I stopped breathing and it was soothing. It was one way to slow down the racing of my mind. It was surely a way to slow down the racing of my heart. The anticipation of whether I was going to see you again was still as piercing each time, but I knew that at the very least, your existence would not be ended by one of my blinks.

It almost made me comfortable with the potential of you not being there. And as soon as that thought came to my mind, the tunnels ended and seeing you again in light made me wonder what madness came over me in having ever accepted the notion of an existence where you weren't. I heard your breath return to normal again and I inhaled allowing myself to breath again despite my thoughts.

Behind you, for a moment, I caught a glimpse of a large tree that stood alone in the middle of a field. A white bird flew towards it as thought it was returning home or to a place of comfort that it knew well. As we, not just you and I, but everyone, passed that place of comfort, I longed for that feeling of freedom that this bird had. Its eyes too were fixed. It's purpose true. It's arms out stretched. The sun warmed it's back and everything was simple. There was no night. There was no winter. There was only day. That moment was frozen in my mind.

I wondered why I had returned to this train. This cage of steel, glass, and plastics. Why does anyone trade eternal summer for winter? And as for seasons, we known they proceed one another in a fashion that over ones life is dizzying. Could it stay spring forever? Could it last like that moment, frozen forever in time? And what if the bird reached the tree? Would he no longer long for it, strive for it
with arms out stretched, find solace in its presence and comfort in its shade?


At that moment I feel the train turn slightly and the window behind you was filled with light, in a way that gave me a chill. I would have said you were glowing, but that would be downplaying your radiance. For a moment I felt like that bird again. And you were that tree.

You looked up at me at that point and time stopped again. You put your book down and smiled. I felt a warmth come across me that could have thawed a thousand winters. I was glad that you were only separated from me by words on a page. I smiled back and stretched out my arms, bathed in your radiance. For that moment I was free knowing I was heading in again to my solace to a place which was where I belonged.

Copyright Justin Gerges 2013